The Undertaker Hustle
by GuiltyKingOumaShu
Summary: Gai never thought financing a terrorist group would be this hard. When he eventually runs short on money, he is forced to consider earning it the old fashioned way. Now, how do you become a pimp again?


_**So, my discord buds asked me what's up for April Fools. Didn't have anything ready, but, given how my head is full of useless shit like this, I decided to produce this quickly. Enjoy, or not. This might be the only time I really don't give a damn about quality standards, lol.**_

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 **The Undertaker Hustle**

"Are you sure about this, Gai?" Shibungi asked his glorious leader as both stood in front of a holographic projection of a computer screen. On it, an online shopping website was shown, asking the blonde man in charge to confirm his planned purchase of something called "The pimp starter kit". A question that visibly troubled the terrorist leader, as it would use up the very last of the already nearly depleted Undertaker funds. Could he really go all-in on this gamble of his to make more money? His gaze became serious as he pondered his options with sweat dripping down his forehead. He was soon to realize there were not many other options left.

"We have no other choice, Shibungi." He thus replied with a frown. "Who knew running a terrorist group would be so expensive? We will need the money, so the girls will have to get the short end of the stick. It's not so bad, though, is it? I mean, at least Ayase can't feel anything below the waist, so…"

"She can, actually…" The platinum blond haired tactician corrected his leader while readjusting his glasses with a sigh. The latter cursed at this and clenched his fists in frustration.

"Damn…I mean, that's good for her, but…damn."

Rolling his eyes at Gai's disappointment, Shibungi offered: "Could I, perhaps, offer a suggestion?"

Gai was seen looking away, as if lost in thought. Always considering possibilities. "I am aware we could make more money by shipping them off to foreign countries, Shibungi. But that's not an option."

"Well, while I find it concerning that you even considered this option, I am at least glad to hear you appear to still have enough humanity left in you to reject steeping that low. After all, human trafficking is a serious offense against human rig-"

"I mean, if we ship them off, who is gonna fight in the war to come?" He asked him while gnawing on his thumb's nail, not even having registered what Shibungi had just told him.

Shocked, the silver haired man backed off for a bit before collecting himself and clearing his throat. "Gai, please, would you have a look at this for a second?" He offered Gai to take a look at his mobile phone.

"What this?" The blond leader asked him with a disapproving expression present on his face. "If you have enough time to browse youtube, surely you have enough time to make more money?"

"Just watch this." The tactician hit the play button to start the video, only for a truly horrendous creature to appear on screen. Tsutsugami Gai had fought in many battles and seen a lot of gruesome things in his life, but never before had he seen something this… _disturbing_. What he saw on that screen was not something that could be considered a man, or even a person. It was an abomination, drained of every bit of humanity and intelligence it might have, at one point, possessed. A part of Gai felt sorry for it, asking himself what possibly could have happened to this creature to turn out like this. What kind of horrible things must this thing have gone through to eventually end at such a point? He shook his head in silent disbelief. He may never know. The other part of him, the warrior part he had developed as a child soldier fighting in foreign wars far away from home, was instead focusing its anger at this creature and silently asked himself whether he wasn't waging war on the wrong enemy here. Sure, GHQ was bad and had to be stopped, but then again, if creatures such as _this_ existed in their lives, perhaps he should have thought about getting his priorities in right order. Things like these….shouldn't be allowed to live. Someone should put an end to this sad existence. For the sake of not only the creature itself, but humanity as a whole.

 _Hello, this is Pewdiepie._

Gai nearly threw up. That greeting alone made him gag. The voice. The face. Everything. It was simply too much. Even Shibungi seemed to force himself at this point, and quickly hit the pause button before both of them stood at risk of losing their precious brain cells to the exposure to such blatant idiocy.

"Shibungi…" Gai's expression grew cold as he stood up and grabbed his friend by the collar* "What did I ever do to you to deserve seeing something like this? Did GHQ buy you? Did they send you to attack me in my own base?" He shoved the poor man against the wall angrily.

Shibungi, however, remained unfazed by all of this, merely fixing his uniform with closed eyes after Gai had let go of him. "I can see why you would believe so, but trust me. This was no attempt at your life, Gai. Rather than that, I meant to show you an alternative. According to my research, this imbecile has managed to get a gross income of several million dollars."

Gai's eyes widened in absolute shock. "Th-that can't be….you…you researched him? You would go that far for the Undertakers?"

Yet Shibungi could only meet his leader's shock with a confident smirk. "Anything for the resistance. For you, I would even listen to Justin Bieber."

"You…" Tears started forming in the blond man's eyes as he approached his tactician and pulled him in a big hug. "I was wrong to doubt you, my friend. Your resolve is stronger than even mine. You are the hero this country needs, not I."

"Nonsense, Gai. It has to be you who leads. If it was me, we would have never gotten so many girls to join. And without the girls, no one would have joined at all."

"True. Rookie counts skyrocketed after we put them cat-ears on Tsugumi's head. That was a good call, man."

"Ah no, that was nothing." Shibungi waved him off humbly. "But enough of that. Let's get back to my actual point. If even this degenerate could make millions of dollars with his obnoxious content, surely we could do so as well?"

His blond friend was seen bringing up his hand to his chin, thinking as he produced humming sounds to go along with the process. "Hmmm, you might have a point, but what kind of content could we offer?"

"Well…"

As both men stood in the room with their arms corssed in front of their chests, visibly deep in thought, suddenly the sound of melodious singing entered their ears coming from the room next door. Inori was bored again, as it would seem.

It was right then and there when both men had a gleam appear in their eyes as they nodded at each other in unison. Gai didn't waste another second to hammer away on his keyboard, dismissing the pimp starter kit in favor of finding a book labeled as "How to create an internet idol 101", then his finger slowly found its way to the "confirm purchase" button, hovering right over it. Sweat began to form itself on the troubled leader's forehead as he threw a nervous look back to his advisor who was then seen putting his hand on the leader's shoulder reassuringly, followed by giving him a thumbs-up with his other hand. Gai could no longer see the man's eyes, as they were obstructed by the screen's light being reflected in his glasses, but the leader did not have to see his eyes to know that they were filled with determination. Spurred by this, the leader's shaky finger eventually was pushed forward with confidence as well.

"Our fates depend on this. For humanity. For Japan. WE MUST PREVAIL!" And with a final battle cry, he pressed the button to finally confirm the order. Shibungi, inspired by his leader's charismatic words, joined in on the battle cry as well.

That was when the door suddenly kicked open and an angry man with blond and black hair came in, wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. In a matter of seconds, he located his glorious leader, and with quite some fury, threw a pillow straight into the man's face while yelling.

"Do you two jackasses know what damn time it is? Keep it down while watching your sick ass porn or whatever it is you two assholes are doing. Seriously, who the hell do you think you are, huh? Just because you two bastards have nothing to do all day doesn't mean everyone else has that kinda luxury. Some of us actually have to get up early tomorrow so shut the fuck up and go to sleep already!" And with that, he slammed the door shut again, plunding the room into silence yet again. Well, aside from the sound of the pillow slowly sliding off Gai's face and falling on the floor.

Without even having to look at each other, both seemed to agree to act as if this never had happened, so Shibungi disregarded this interruption entirely and said:

"Well, it is done. Now what?"

Gai, taking a seat at his table, decided to form a bridge with his hands in front of him and lean his head against it as he said: "Now we wait."

And as both men continued to stare at the holo-screen eagerly, the camera slowly backs off and fades to black. The room is silent, aside from the whirring of the computer and a dry cough coming from Shibungi.

And that's how Inori's singing ended up saving the Funeral Parlor girls from following the world's oldest profession. Hurray.

"Well, that sucks." Hirohide Nanba said with crossed arms, looking away with an annoyed "Tch."

"Kinda agree. There would have been a lot of money to be made here." Yahiro sighed.

"And a lot of money to be spent, too." Sudou agreed with a smirk.

"Really? How much for this one?" Nanba asked his friend as he pushed Arisa in front of him.

"Hands off me, you scum. I am a freaking Kuhouin. How dare you even think for just a second that anyone could even touch me?"

Disregarding her, Sudou was about to reply when Souta beat him to it, producing a handful of cash in an instant from his wallet.

"I can do about…treefiddy."

"Sold!"

"What!?" Arisa asked in shock. "You think THAT's my worth?"

Nanba only smirked at her. "Hah, as if. Sucker would be mad if he knew I ripped him off. I would have let him have you for free, even. Now get going, skunk."

Arisa sighed, visibly depressed. Was this her life now? Looking at Souta, who kept eying her with the glittering eyes of a puppy, she decided she might as well make the best of the situation.

"So, are you into role playing, by chance?" She asked.

Desperately trying to please, Souta Tamedate, ultimate Yes-man, responded without any hesitation: "Sure!"

That was all the blonde princess needed to hear. Before the dark haired man could have seen it coming, a paperback was thrown over his head, a picture of Gai's face drawn on it.

"Good, so you will be playing the role of Tsutsugami Gai for me." She grabbed his hand and pulled him with her while looking like a wolf about to devour a sheep. The remaining boys watched them leave.

"So…who is the prostitute in that situation?" Yahiro asked with a raised brow.

"Doesn't matter, got paid." Nanba replied, counting his money.


End file.
